MARCH On...

 Did March roar in like a lion?  I don't remember. We had plans to take day trips once a week, starting with Medicine Park and the Wichita Wildlife Refuge on March 4. 

With a keen eye and good ear you can see the thousands of birds spiraling, flock after flock flying North over us. 

What I do know is that the month is nearly past, and in that time of thirty-one days our lives have traveled the red clay paths of the Wichita Mountains, seen the migration of thousands of birds, and watched and listened in awe as migratory birds spiraled upwards towards the heavens on Mother Nature's thermals. Being graced with a moment of beauty, we felt our hearts lifted upward in tandem thanks to God's beauty, and it would be grace and God that helped us through the rest of the month. 

When the steps challenged us with height and mud around Mt. Scott, we stopped. Is this smart we silently asked. Is there a better way to see the top than take a chance? How many times have we fallen, then picked ourselves up and marched on?  We turned and took a slightly easier path up the hill (in our car no less). The views were spectacular. Back on the flatlands and hillsides we explored we felt stronger and more assured of our older bones and feet taking one step after another. 

The old stone tower in the middle of nowhere took our memories back to a time when we climbed the tower walls in Scotland. The weather in Oklahoma is such sharp contrast to the Scottish hillsides, but the power of the land and fortresses is the same. Towers hold such history, such unbelievable fascination. Like moments in time and in our lives they stand resolute and strong whether in dark or light. 

We sat by the waters' edge gazing at the clouds reflecting on the surface. Far from civilization we listened to the whisper of times past. 

We marched on through the grasses and stood in awe of the worn and tangled trees. 

The bison roamed and rolled in the mud holes never noticing the interlopers, but the playful longhorn steers stopped and gave us a look that said, "This is my land..."  I could only think, "thank you for sharing this moment with us." 

In every life there come those days when light turns dark and fear gripes our hearts. Only a few days into March, we came face to face with an adage of time.  "Enjoy each day, it may be your last."  It could be your last, my last, or a loved one's last opportunity to climb those old worn Oklahoma hills.

 And it might also bring a time of miracles, giving us the opportunity to trust our faith. 

I LOVE LIVING

Fall trees at Dillon Nature Center, Hutchinson, Ks. 

We met that fall morning in the parking lot outside the hospital. She reached in her trunk to pull out a basket of scrape booking materials. "Would you like some help with the basket?" I asked.  

"No, I'm fine today. Thank you." With a heavy breathe she continued, "I may not feel this good after the treatment today. The days get really long for me."  

My heart took a double beat with her heavy sigh. Here she was smiling and looking at the sunlight. With a joyous expression on her face and a glisten in her eyes, she looked around at the hospital complex, of concrete, bricks, and asphalt, and then the sky. "I love living, Letty. I don't want to die." 

I LOVE LIVING

"So do I, Sue. I love living." But the words stayed on my tongue. I wasn't strong enough to repeat her words. I knew her cancer was more serious than we wanted to acknowledge, and I cried inside for her. For her zest for life. For her abundance of joy that she spread to all around her. For her family and selfishly, for me.

Prairie Dunes Country Club, Hutchinson, Kansas

It was a cold January and we were celebrating our sixtieth birthdays at Prairie Dunes. Sue was a friend who laughed like I did when it came to telling stories about plucking hair from our cheeks our round table of women took turns topping each others stories about aging, and asking over and over 'what next.' We laughed especially hard over the long black hairs that hung from our chins. Gads! you could see the look of agony as personal stories flashed through our minds of chin hairs. The next time it was the pitiful stories of shaving our mustaches for the first time.

Here we were at sixty trying to laugh out loud at our new 'old' bodies. Month by month we poked fun at our fragilities from puffy eye bags to sparse eyebrows; from wrinkles to 'wisdom spots' on our faces and arms.  

The friends all joined in the laughter with stories. "Ladies," one woman who confessed to being older than sixty placed her arm on the table, rolled up her blousy sleeve and continued, "This is why we wear long sleeve blouses all year long." Then she curiously rolled her skin back and forth using her index finger. She even went on to show us how she could pinch and pull up loose skin. We snorted we laughed so hard. I think it was after that story that the club gave us space to gather away from the lunch crowd. 

Perhaps we had shared a bottle of wine or beer at the luncheon that day. We seemed louder and funnier than ever, when Sue dropped her voice, gathered our attention and then pointed at her chin. "Look. Look at me." In silence we looked. "See."  She pointed to a camel colored mole, then she began to wisp two white hairs back and forth. Her cackle erupted, "I have become a HAG and I'll pull your little hairs out one by one."  Our table roared with laughter. We loved to be in her audience.

WE LOVE LIFE.

Months passed. Things happened.

I often arrived to sit with Sue on Wednesday afternoons for a couple of hours.  Sometimes I helped her paste things into her scrape book for her children. Other times we shared our joys, sorrows, funny moments we experienced from golfing with other women, all told with a desire to share our lives and love for living. We still played golf on warm summer days. We saw hope on the horizon.   

Prairie Dunes Country Club, Hutchinson, Ks. 

On a late spring day, I walked her to the car to say our evening good-byes. Tears I'd never seen before began to flow. Catching her breathe between sobs she said, "Here. I have to show you something." I watched closely as she put her basket in the car and pulled out a plastic sack. Shaking and crying she reached inside and pulled out an object that looked like a prop from a HALLOWEEN movie. It was a brownish toned mask with tiny holes along the forehead and down one side to the ear. 

It was my turn to gasp and catch my breathe. Holding the mask away from her like a dead animal she sobbed, "The cancer has metastasized in my brain. They told me that I now have to come back for radiation."  I reached for a hug. As she rested her head on my shoulder, she sobbed, "I don't want to wear that mask. It's dark. It's ugly. I don't want sting rays shooting through my head." We cried. 

At last she sobbed, "I just want to live. Doesn't God know that I LOVE LIVING?"

I don't remember being able to come up with words of encouragement. I do remember we continued to share what we loved best about living, to the point that we compared our crooked toes right there in the room full of patients all receiving chemo. 

Sue Wagler

January 23, 1948 - September 03, 2010

Surprise Lilies by night 

Dear Sue, 

I hear your words "I love to Live. I love living," ringing in my head these days. I noticed out my window that a few bulbs are reaching up through the cold mantle of earth. Our perennials. Sue, you are my shining example of a Perennial. I pray that I may never forget how much joy living brings us. Did I ever tell you that I LOVE LIVING, too?

A View of Life as a Perennial

Click on this link to read another story about living and loving life as a Perennial.